Well, Histology is over. Done. I'm miserable. This week has been rotten. One of the worst weeks of my life. I have almost never felt as depressed as I do right now. It's this general feeling of sadness, like Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh.
"Oh, Bother..."
Sometimes, in my fleeting moments of resilience, I steel my mind, pull up my britches, and tell myself I can persevere. I am good enough to be a doctor. Then I get back to studying and I feel as if the world is collapsing all around me. I've never felt so alone, so tired, so sad, so angry, so frustrated.
I have such great friends around me, trying to pump me up. They keep saying "don't worry! Everyone's in the same boat." Or, "hey, this is the first exam. Now you'll know how to study. You've still got 75% of your grade to go." I'm so thankful that they're here to help me along, but the reality is, I still suck.
Sometimes I wonder if I have a learning disability. Then, in my next thought, I tell myself that would be a cop-out, since I am having trouble focusing, and I feel like I must reread things a billion times before they stick. It shouldn't be a cop-out, because learning disabilities are real things that real people struggle with and, if anything, those people should be lauded for dealing with and overcoming their trials. But I still have that thought, and I get depressed. Some psychiatrist lady here told everyone at orientation that many people in medical school get diagnosed with learning disorders. They were always so smart that they just covered it up. Nobody noticed because their grades were high. But once you get here, everything gets manifest.
Regardless, I haven't been blogging because I've spent so much time studying, and I'm realizing as I write this how therapeutic blogging is to me. I'm gonna have to go back and fill in what's gone on between now and 5 September 2006.
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